What makes a friendship?
Posted by: Melissa on: July 3, 2009
No really. Because I don’t know.
I don’t make friends easily. I tend to be awkward around people. New people. People I don’t know. And it takes me awhile to feel comfortable with someone – to where it feels like an actual friendship. I’m not saying I can’t make friends or that I’m a horrible friend and no one likes me. But I equate creating friendships (with anyone – male or female) to dating, at least for me.
When you go on a first date you are trying to get to know someone. It can be awkward at times because the two of you don’t know each well and you’re concerned about making the right impression the entire time. For me, worrying about what the other person thinks of me (and my conversational skills) is what does me in. I am so awkward and it’s written all over my face. I wonder if that turns people off? Maybe.
It’s funny – I’m even very awkward on the internet. I find blogs I like and the people that write them and then I follow them on twitter and I love them even more but I’m petrified of making a connection. Because these people seem so cool and how could I possibly be worthy enough of their friendship? So I don’t try. And I hate that. Because I know I’m a fabulous and marvelous person. But I’m so uncouth and clumsy at the beginning. Am I doing it right? Am I impressing them? Do they like me? Do they really like me?
It was easier to make friends as a child. You point at someone and say, “That’s my friend.” And that’s it. You have a new best friend. It’s not so easy anymore. I wish building friendships could be that simplistic again. Or maybe they are that simple and I just didn’t know it.
Photo Credit: Nirrimi Joy Hakanson
Throwing out the rulebook
Posted by: Melissa on: June 2, 2009
- In: Happiness| Life| Opinions
- Leave a Comment
I’ve spent a lot of agonizing hours deciding on how I want to blog and what I want to blog about. I have so many things I want to blog about – so many topics, but I always feel like I should only have one topic. So I stop blogging. I ignore the inspiration for posts. And I go periods without blogging. It is the most frustrating feeling.
Then I thought about it – what the hell? The blog is about me and by me. I don’t have to live (or blog) by any damn rules but my own. I don’t have to hit a certain number of characters, I don’t have to talk about one topic, and I can do whatever the hell I want. It’s my blog. It’s my space to express who I am.
I write a lot. In a journal, on pieces of mail, and even my computer screen (with an appropriate marker, of course). I couldn’t understand why I was having such a hard transferring my thoughts to my blog because I do it all the time on paper.
So I don’t care any more. I don’t have to follow the rules of blogging. I don’t like following rules anyway.
Ambitions, distractions, and break ups…
Posted by: Melissa on: May 19, 2009
I broke up with my boyfriend a week or so ago. But that’s not the real point of this post. The post is about the reasons why I had to break up with him.
I want to think I am a person with ambitions and goals. I want to think I have boundless dreams. And I think I really do. He didn’t. He never really has. He just goes with the flow. But I want someone with desire and aspirations. I’ve been with him and without him many times. He made promises and broke them. I loved him and then he broke my heart. In a million pieces. More than once. Yet I still love him in my own unique way.
But he’s my best friend, whether we are in a relationship or not. I grew up with him. I met in on the internet at age 13. I met him at a Starbucks in person when I was 18. And we’ve been on and off more times than I’d like to count. But in those nearly 9 years we have known each other there has barely been a moment when we haven’t spoken. We always break up with an open end and a lot of maybes. I prefer it that way. I like it that way.
The break up was more about both of us and our own needs. He has to focus on himself and I need to focus on myself. I felt as though I was a distraction for him. A distraction from his own personal growth. And I felt like I had this huge burden on my shoulders. I don’t want to be someone’s sole desire and aspiration. He wanted me. And that was it. But I can’t handle that. It’s too much pressure for me.
And I want to be free. I want my own freedom to do whatever I want with my life without having to explain myself to anyone. I think everyone deserves that at some point in their life. I want to be a little selfish.
And it probably didn’t help that we live 700 miles apart…
Becoming a happier me
Posted by: Melissa on: April 30, 2009
I’ve been in a bit of a funk lately. I don’t like being in a funk, but who does? I’ve felt a bit lost in the last few weeks, and maybe even months. I’m graduating this spring with my Associates degree and I will be transferring to a four-year university this fall. The semester is winding down now and in a few weeks classes will be over. I had wanted to find an internship for the summer, but I need money. Internships are not available in my area, and I can’t afford to move somewhere with readily available internships. That would cost money and most internships are unpaid anyways.
So, I’ve been in a funk. A few years ago I dealt with a bout of depression, and ever since then I have become a very optimistic, glass-half-full kind of girl. I take responsibility for how I’m feeling and I do something about it. I don’t like to feel down, so I go through a series of steps that ultimately make me feel better. It works every time.
Step 1: I start by cleaning. In order for me to begin to feel productive about anything, I have to have a space where I feel calm and happy. And having a messy living space can wreck havoc on your mental state. I also shower and groom myself. I like to make myself feel pretty too. It’s a boost to my ego. Clean your home and yourself so you can begin in the right mood.
Step 2: I start exercising more. I’ll be the first to admit that I do not exercise daily, or even on a regular basis. Just 20 minutes of walking can boost your mood. This time I’d like to make it a goal to exercise first thing in the morning on a regular basis. Which leads me to the next step…
Step 3: I make a list of goals I want to accomplish in the short term. Since I can’t control everything that’s going on in my life, in the long term and short term, I make a list of realistic goals that I know I can complete in a short amount of time. Stuff that can be done in the next few days, weeks, or within the next month. That way, when I start crossing items off my list, I begin to feel better about myself. Even the smallest things can give you a mental boost.
Step 4: I start to accomplish those things on my list one by one. I begin by prioritizing and organizing the list. I ask myself, do I want to start with the ones that take the least amount of time? And then tackle the bigger projects? Or do I want to break down the bigger projects and make them into mini-projects? It’s really about what I feel most comfortable with and ultimately what will make me feel better, sooner.
Step 5: I make a playlist that makes me happy and I listen to it nonstop. We all know there are songs that you like to listen to when you’re feeling down, but you can only be down for so long. I start with songs that make me feel good and make me feel alive and I throw in some songs that make me want to dance.
Step 6: And finally, I talk about it. Even when I was dealing with my bout of depression talking about it was the one thing that I attribute to successfully being able deal with it. I opened up to my closest friends and when it got really terrible I sought out a therapist. Sometimes it’s nice to have someone objective to talk about your problems with. I tend to feel a release when I talk about feeling down, and sometimes that’s all you need. You just need to release those emotions out into the world.
I started my steps today. But I did cheat a little, and skipped around instead of going in order. You just do what feels comfortable and right for yourself.
Why become a better writer?
Posted by: Melissa on: April 9, 2009
In today’s world, the amount of writing students are expected to do is very minimal throughout their education. Students are not expected to think critically and expand upon the information they collect and create their own ideas in new and innovative ways. Most students are expected to regurgitate facts and figures in their writing assignments and not to formulate their own conclusions based on the facts.
Writing skills cannot be developed quickly or easily, but should be the focus of school and college attention across the curriculum, from kindergarten through college. Here are four reasons why you should become a better writer:
1. Communication skills are the single most important skill sought by employers. The ability to express yourself through writing is important to the success of your career. According to the National Commission on Writing, “People who cannot write and communicate clearly will not be hired, and if already working, are unlikely to last long enough to be considered for promotion.”
2. The better a writer you become, the better reader you will become. In order to be a good writer, you have to use your mind and process what you are writing. You learn to think critically about your work. And that critical thought spills over into reading. The workplace will demand that you learn complex information and ideas through reading.
3. The more confident a writer you become, the more efficiently you will handle writing for work. As you become more comfortable with your writing and your skills, you will be able to work quickly with ease on your assignments. Your writing starts to become effortless and in turn you become more effective at your job.
4. The more you write, the more you learn about who you are and what really matters to you. If you write for yourself, you begin to develop self-awareness. You create a journey of personal development. Writing can clear your mind and help you focus on what’s important to you.
So why is being a good writer so important to your career? Gaston Caperton, president of College Board states, “Writing is a fundamental professional skill. Most of the new jobs in the years ahead will emphasize writing. If students want professional work in service firms, in banking, finance, insurance, and real estate, they must know how to communicate on paper clearly and concisely.”
Life is a journey, not a race
Posted by: Melissa on: April 2, 2009
- In: Goals| Life| Self-awareness
- 1 Comment
I have struggled with realizing that life is a journey, not a race, for most of my life. I remember wishing I was a child prodigy at the age of nine. I wanted to be a famous classical vocalist at the age of thirteen. Sixteen is when I wanted to be a published author and be a Broadway star, at the same time. I wanted to be the bright star that would outshine the competition. I wanted to be the first, and the best.
And in many aspects, I was the first, and the best. I racked up the awards for my vocal talent and I managed to be published. But it wasn’t enough. I wanted to be the best, and if I wasn’t then I was a failure. I wanted to achieve as many things as I could in the shortest amount of time. But where does that leave me? What would be left for me to do?
At some point, after feeling like a failure time and again (despite not really failing at all) I gave up. I simply threw up my hands and said to myself, FINE, WHY BOTHER TRYING? And for some time after that I was lost. So very lost. I had lost my sense of self. I didn’t know who I was anymore. I had always known who I was and now here I was with no identity.
Eventually I began a transition in my life. I began to define my goals and bring them into focus. I realized I was creating my own limits and obstacles. I was self-sabotaging my own life. I initiated the journey of my self-actualization and self-awareness.
However, I will admit, even today I struggle with the comparisons. I see my peers attaining some of the things I want. And I wonder will I ever get there? And I just have to trust my own confidence and abilities and work toward attaining my goals. Step by step, and trust that I will get there. Maybe not as fast as some of my peers, and maybe not as well either, but I will get there.
Even though we live in a society that thrives on competition, sometimes you have sit back, breathe, and let the competition go by. Instead of comparing myself to others, I need to compare myself to who I want to be. Stop asking when the race will end and ask the question, where do I want to go next in my journey?
How to be an active reader
Posted by: Melissa on: March 23, 2009
- In: Career| College
- Leave a Comment
What is the purpose of reading? We use reading to construct meaning and purpose out of the words on a page. You can read and not actually grasp what a writer is saying simply by not actively reading. Here are some steps to take in order to become an active reader:
Understand your purpose in reading. Don’t just start turning the pages to finish the reading as quickly as you can. Think first about your purpose. Ask yourself, “What do I need to learn from this material?”
Reflect on the title before reading further. Titles are the first words writers give us. Thinking about the title may reveal the subject or the writer’s approach or attitude.
Become part of the writer’s audience. The writer may not have you in mind when they write. You should join a writer’s audience by learning about the writer, about the time in which the piece was written, and about the writer’s expected audience.
Predict what’s coming. Look for a writer’s main idea or purpose statement. Then use this information to anticipate what is coming.
Concentrate. Slow down and give your full attention to reading. Watch for how the parts of the text connect.
Keep a reading journal. Developing the habit of writing regularly in a journal with give you a place to note impressions and reflections on your reading, and ideas you may use in your own writing.
The next time you crack open a book, click on a news article, or read a new blog post keep these steps in mind and you will become a better reader.
Opinions
Posted by: Melissa on: March 3, 2009
- In: Life| Opinions
- Leave a Comment
I think I’m afraid to have an opinion. Why? Maybe because it opens me up to criticism, critique, and possibly ridicule. In order to protect myself I refrain from sharing my opinion. I do have opinions though. A lot of them in fact.
I have this mentality that in order for my opinion to somehow matter or hold any value that I should be an expert on that particular subject, whether it be health care reform or fashion. Or someone won’t take value in my opinion because I happen to be younger than them, so therefore, how could I possibly know what I’m talking about?
But what value to society am I without sharing my opinion? Without sharing my opinion I’m already saying to everyone that I’m not valuable. I’m not even attempting to participate in the conversation when I don’t share my opinions, or thoughts, or feelings. Whether I have the right credentials, or the right experience, I am still entitled to an opinion. I see others opinions as valuable, what I do with that opinion and how I apply it to myself is my prerogative, but I value that someone cared enough to share an opinion with me.
Now whether you value my opinion or not, well, that’s entirely up to you. But I’m cheating myself and everyone else if I don’t share my opinion.
Adulthood
Posted by: Melissa on: February 11, 2009
When do you arrive at adulthood? Is it some definable moment? A particular age, when you can vote or drink? Possibly when you become responsible for a life other than your own? Maybe when your raging hormones took over and you lost your virginity?
In my own experience, arriving at adulthood is a process. I distinctly remember growing up thinking that I was fully aware of what was going in my life and the lives around me. I was an old soul, and I always felt as though I was wise beyond my years. And I still believe that. However, through a series of events and phases in my life, I have grown emotionally and intellectually. I evolved as a person through these experiences.
Growing up my mother had this mentality that she drilled into us kids that we would be adults when we were eighteen. She maintained that she would no longer hold any responsibility for us when we arrived at that age. But she learned the hard way that you will always have responsibility for your children, in one way or another.
I would say that my definable moment or phase was when I spent the summer of 2008 in Germany. I was a bit lost in life prior to going there. I had no idea what I wanted for my life and where I was headed. It was as though my cloudy mind became clear. I finally felt fully awake.
It was as if my decisions became my own while I was there. I became responsible for my own being. I never had to be entirely responsible for myself before.
Describing my life in one line
Posted by: Melissa on: January 5, 2009
“I don’t know if I’m unhappy because I’m not free, or if I’m not free because I’m unhappy” – Breathless, 1960
That particular line is the best description of my life I have found so far. It describes me in one line. I never thought I could be described in one line.
The first part signifies the fact that I have felt like I’ve had no escape from my circumstances. And particularly from my mother. If you ask any woman about her relationship with her mother, you will find that it is probably the most complicated and entwined bond a person will ever have. In my own life, my mother has been pushing me away and pulling me in for as long as I remember. She is my best friend and my worst enemy.
I stated just the other day to the boyfriend that for the longest time I felt as though I was ready to fly, but I was locked in a cage. And now I feel as though I am ready to fly, but I simply don’t know how to get off the ground yet.
And the second half I associate with my own internal struggles for happiness. Everyday I battle my own inner thoughts and feelings that say I will fail. Or that I’m not good enough. Or I could be doing this better, or that better. It’s those thoughts and those feelings that keep me locked in a metaphorical cage.
Some days I feel as though I’m unhappy because I’m not free. And some days I feel I’m not free because I’m unhappy. Everyday I work to break free from this cycle. I no longer want it to define me. I want the freedom to define myself.
